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The Joke Thread

Discussion in 'General Chat and Gossip' started by Andylaser, Oct 2, 2014.

  1. Andylaser

    Andylaser Administrator Staff Member

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    My wife told me yesterday she wanted a Brazilian wax. I said she'd be better off with a Gaza strip, given the pounding it's taken over the years...
     
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    Thomas likes this.
  2. Bullseye

    Bullseye Moderator Staff Member

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    A man took his wife to a country fair and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

    They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:

    'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

    The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said "He mated 50 times last year."

    They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:

    'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

    The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

    They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters:

    'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

    The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one!"

    The husband looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."
     
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  3. Bullseye

    Bullseye Moderator Staff Member

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    The Greek bailout, an informal explanation:

    It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

    On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

    The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

    The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

    The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

    The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

    The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

    The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

    At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

    No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

    And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.
     
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    MaC likes this.
  4. Saint-Just

    Saint-Just Moderator Staff Member

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    For sale: Peppa pig jigsaw

    480 pieces and rated "very difficult". £4 including postage.

    [​IMG]
     
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  5. beachlover

    beachlover Moderator Staff Member

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    Excellent!
    Stolen and forwarded as a Christmas present suggestion to my daughter for my grand daughter, who adores PP. :D
     
    #5
  6. Andylaser

    Andylaser Administrator Staff Member

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    A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man resting in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering about thirty feet above this field. You are near 47 degrees North latitude, and 122.7 degrees West longitude."

    "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

    "I am," replies the surprised man. "How did you know?"

    "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is likely to be correct, and technically accurate, but I have no idea what to make of the information. Meaning the fact is I am still lost."

    The man below says, "Interesting, you're a manager."

    In surprise the balloonist replies "I am, but how did you know?"

    "Well," says the man, "in spite of having an elevated view of all the surroundings, you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
     
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  7. one_rod

    one_rod Subscribed Member

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    A penguin walks into a bar, and says to the barman: "Has my brother been in?"

    "Don't know" says the barman. "What does he look like?"
     
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  8. one_rod

    one_rod Subscribed Member

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    Q: What do Australian Aboriginals call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

    A: A stick.
     
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  9. Dr Gonzo

    Dr Gonzo Subscribed Member

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    What do you call a Russian with 3 testicles?


    Whojanick Abollockoff
     
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  10. Gower Ranger

    Gower Ranger Moderator Staff Member

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    Are we going to do them all, then?

    Q. What do you call a Serbian prostitiute?

    A. Slobbadown Macockubitch.
     
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  11. Gower Ranger

    Gower Ranger Moderator Staff Member

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    Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

    A. Lickalottapus
     
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  12. Gower Ranger

    Gower Ranger Moderator Staff Member

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    Q. What do you call a lesbian indian?

    A. Minjeeta
     
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  13. Gower Ranger

    Gower Ranger Moderator Staff Member

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    Q. What do you call two gay irishmen?

    A. Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzpatrick.

    ...two gay scotsmen?

    A. Ben Doon and Phil McAvity
     
    #13
  14. Saint-Just

    Saint-Just Moderator Staff Member

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    You realise this is really bad, don't you? :nod:
     
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  15. Hatethatgiraffe

    Hatethatgiraffe Moderator Staff Member

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    What you call a Chinese woman with no legs?
    Dragon lips :D
     
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  16. Andylaser

    Andylaser Administrator Staff Member

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    A strange flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

    I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.
     
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  17. dazcon

    dazcon Member

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    A guy says to the doctor" Doctor, it's my penis!" The doctor says" Whats wrong with it?" " I'll show you" he replies and proceeds to take it out.
    "It's bright orange!" says the shocked doctor. " Has any member of your family ever suffered this?"
    "Not that I'm aware of." came the reply.
    "Do you work with chemicals?" asked the quack.
    "I'm not working Doctor." he says.
    "Well what do you do with yourself all day, any unusual hobbies?"
    "No Doctor, I usually spend my time watching porn and eating wotsits."
     
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  18. dazcon

    dazcon Member

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    Guy walks into the butchers and says "A pound of steak and kidley please."

    The butcher replies "You said kidley!"

    "No I didley!" came the reply.

    It's ancient but it always gets me!
     
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  19. bwildered

    bwildered Member

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    Three dyslexics walk into a bra.
     
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  20. Hellz

    Hellz New Member

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    I tried taking the shells off some snails to see if it would make them faster, but if anything it just made them more sluggish...
     
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