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The Joke Thread

Discussion in 'General Chat and Gossip' started by Andylaser, Oct 2, 2014.

  1. BorderReiver

    BorderReiver Moderator Staff Member

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    And yet you get the likes of Theresa, sticking rigidly to the top political job regardless of being totally isolated. It will take an armoured bulldozer to shift her. How many male politicos do you know who would have the balls to carry on regardless?
     
    #2921
    MaC likes this.
  2. MaC

    MaC Moderator Staff Member

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    Yep.
    Mrs T had the handbag, but Theresa's got the cute shoes and isn't budging off them neither. You learn to balance on peerie heels, and it lets you see further than you might otherwise.
     
    #2922
    BorderReiver likes this.
  3. BorderReiver

    BorderReiver Moderator Staff Member

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  4. BorderReiver

    BorderReiver Moderator Staff Member

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  5. E. by gum

    E. by gum Member

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    Women! If I make you breakfast in bed, thanks is all I need.
    Not all this "How the fuck did you get in my house?" nonsense.
     
    #2925
  6. Saint-Just

    Saint-Just Moderator Staff Member

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  7. 5teep

    5teep Subscribed Member

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  8. MaC

    MaC Moderator Staff Member

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    On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
    So the good wife went out and moved her car.

    A week or so later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
    The good wife went out and moved her car again.

    A few days later they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
    Then the electric power went out.

    The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
    Then with the love and understanding that all long-married husbands possess, he replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
     
    #2928
    NOTSHARP, BorderReiver, 5teep and 2 others like this.
  9. MaC

    MaC Moderator Staff Member

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    SMART-ARSE ANSWERS The last one is a worthy winner.
    6th Place

    It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

    'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

    'What are my choices?' the man asked.

    'Yes or no,' she replied.

    5th Place


    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

    As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

    Without blinking an eyelid, she said,

    'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

    4th Place


    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

    She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

    The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, madam, they're all dead.'

    3rd Place


    The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he had stopped for speeding.

    'I've been waiting for you all day,' the copper said.

    The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

    When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

    2nd Place


    A truck driver was driving along a country road.

    A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead'.

    Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

    Cars are backed up for miles.

    Finally, a police car comes up.

    The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cabin,

    and said to the driver,

    'Got stuck, eh?'

    The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
    SMART-ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR

    A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of the next day's final exam.

    'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

    I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

    A smart-arsed kid at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

    'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

    The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

    When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

    'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'
     
    #2929
  10. beachlover

    beachlover Moderator Staff Member

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  11. Nice65

    Nice65 Subscribed Member

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    :freak::freak::freak::freak::freak::freak::freak::freak::freak:

    What’s happening here?
     
    #2931
    beachlover likes this.
  12. ElThomsono

    ElThomsono Moderator Staff Member

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    I was reading a book on historic shipbuilding techniques, it was riveting.
     
    #2932
  13. beachlover

    beachlover Moderator Staff Member

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    Apologies Rich. :P
    And to get us back on track....

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
    #2933
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  14. E. by gum

    E. by gum Member

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    ^^^^^^ That made me lol, wish I could paste it.
    Hurt my eyes, accidently mixed up my eye drops with the cats.
    Dont ask miaow.
     
    #2934
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  15. Saint-Just

    Saint-Just Moderator Staff Member

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  16. beachlover

    beachlover Moderator Staff Member

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  17. beachlover

    beachlover Moderator Staff Member

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  18. BorderReiver

    BorderReiver Moderator Staff Member

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  19. NOTSHARP

    NOTSHARP Subscribed Member

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  20. BorderReiver

    BorderReiver Moderator Staff Member

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