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The Joke Thread

Discussion in 'General Chat and Gossip' started by Andylaser, Oct 2, 2014.

  1. BorderReiver

    BorderReiver Moderator Staff Member

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  2. BorderReiver

    BorderReiver Moderator Staff Member

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  3. Andylaser

    Andylaser Administrator Staff Member

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    A stunning hairdresser’s taking me to court. Apparently, if I’m sitting in her salon and she asks me if I want it teased then blown, it’s “inappropriate behaviour” for me to then drop my trousers, revealing a semi, and say yes please.
     
    #3503
    NOTSHARP, BorderReiver and 5teep like this.
  4. Andylaser

    Andylaser Administrator Staff Member

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    After seven lifetimes of study, Teacup finally came to an understanding of Stonehenge
    [​IMG]
    However, being a cat, she then declined to share her knowledge with anyone.
     
    #3504
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2019
  5. Fraser

    Fraser Subscribed Member

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    My worst nightmare is Spotify randomly throwing out an Ed Sheeran song while I'm driving and then I crash and die but it keeps playing so the first responders think I was an Ed Sheeran fan and they tell my mum and I end up being cremated to fucking Shape of You.
     
    #3505
    5teep, ElThomsono, bagman and 4 others like this.
  6. NOTSHARP

    NOTSHARP Subscribed Member

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    Ed who?




    Steve.
     
    #3506
    bushwacker, MaC, Fraser and 1 other person like this.
  7. beachlover

    beachlover Moderator Staff Member

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  8. MaC

    MaC Moderator Staff Member

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    I actually read that lot aloud, You! :roll:

    :D
     
    #3508
    BorderReiver, beachlover and NOTSHARP like this.
  9. beachlover

    beachlover Moderator Staff Member

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  10. beachlover

    beachlover Moderator Staff Member

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    Excerpts from council complaint letters:

    1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
    2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
    3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
    4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
    5. I wish to complain that
    my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
    6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
    7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
    8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
    9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
    10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
    11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
    12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
    13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
    14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
    15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
    16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
    17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
    18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
    19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
    20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
    21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
    22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
    23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
     
    #3510
  11. Juttle

    Juttle Subscribed Member

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    Absolutely priceless!
     
    #3511
  12. Andylaser

    Andylaser Administrator Staff Member

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  13. Andylaser

    Andylaser Administrator Staff Member

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  14. BorderReiver

    BorderReiver Moderator Staff Member

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  15. BorderReiver

    BorderReiver Moderator Staff Member

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  16. beachlover

    beachlover Moderator Staff Member

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    40 Scousers arrive at the Pearly Gates, but there are only 24 places, so St. Peter goes to consult with God and returns having promised his boss he'd call and let him know how he gets on.
    Sure enough, Peter calls God on his return and announces,
    "I can't believe it, they've gone."
    "What, all of them?" Asks God.
    St. Peter replies,
    "No Boss, the fucking gates!"
     
    #3516
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  17. Andylaser

    Andylaser Administrator Staff Member

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  18. Andylaser

    Andylaser Administrator Staff Member

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  19. BorderReiver

    BorderReiver Moderator Staff Member

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  20. Andylaser

    Andylaser Administrator Staff Member

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